Cats Movie Review

Unmissable? More like unwatchable!

by Kumari Tilakawardane
Movies & TV Shows Review

34

Cats Movie Review

Cats Review

The initial trailer for Cats was one of the most maligned, mocked and mulled-over pieces of viral content in 2019. Which, when you consider the absolute dumpster fire of society this year, is quite some feat for a musical about common household pets.

During the first few days after the trailer’s release, there was barely a corner of the internet that wasn’t throwing out liberal question marks and all-caps missives about the baffling video, which introduced us to the latest iteration of the famous Andrew Lloyd-Webber musical (based on a T.S. Eliot poetry collection).

Given the response to the trailer, and the fact that it has been fairly well-publicised that the film was way behind schedule and was still being worked on by director Tom Hooper and crew in the very days before release, it’s of little surprise that the film is… unusual.

For want of a better phrase, it’s absolutely bonkers. Of course, a little bit of oddity is to be expected of a film whose premise is “cats talk and sing and con each other out of the chance to be reincarnated”, but this takes the biscuit.

 The first rule of Cats is that you don’t think too hard about Cats

For those who aren’t acquainted with the Lloyd-Webber musical or the works of T.S. Eliot, there’s virtually no attempt at coaxing you in. The film’s plot and complicated stories are at most tenuously explained. Cats opens with a fairly lengthy musical scene, in which we get our first glimpse of the ‘cats’ – and realise that this is exactly what we feared it might be – who go on to writhe and dance around singing about being ‘jellicles’ (one of the many obscure concepts never given the time of day within the script). Nowhere during this scene is there any notion of setting up a story, introducing us to any of the characters, or even just making sense. And then the film carries on.

The first rule of Cats is that you don’t think too hard about Cats. The absolute nonsense of it will literally drive you mad. As soon as you identify one plot-hole or apparently random choice (for example, the female cats have clearly human breasts, while males have absurdly chiselled abs, but apparently no genitalia) a whole bunch of other issues come tumbling out (why are there some cats with shoes? Why can some cats apparently teleport? How come the scale of these mammals varies so wildly throughout the course of the film? Why did nobody even attempt to make any of the human actors vaguely resemble actual cats? What is a ‘jellicle’, anyway?) There’s a metaphor here about a cat pulling on yarn, but it’s hard to think straight after sitting through this film.

Cats

The cast is absolutely stacked with household names; there’s Taylor Swift as Bombalurina, Judi Dench as Old Deuteronomy, Idris Elba as Macavity, Ian McKellan as Gus the Theatre Cat. There’s even Ray Winstone as Growltiger, because why not? It’s actually odd to have so many recognisable faces prowling around because it’s just one more thing to make suspending disbelief impossible. Haphazardly applied makeup and CGI (cat generating insanity) don’t mask or enhance the faces of Queen Elizabeth I, Luther and Gandalf – they simply disfigure them.

So… the positives. There must be some, right? Well, the actual setting – garish and borderline offensive as it is, is an innovative move from the stage play’s flat landscape. And amongst that offputtingly A-list cast, newcomer Francesca Hayward is charming, despite all hell breaking loose around her. And of course, ‘Memory’ is a classic belter – sung by Academy Award-winner Jennifer Hudson (the vocals in isolation are a joy). McKellan is poignant and at least manages to salvage a little dignity with his heartfelt performance as Gus.

Then there’s the less positive stuff. The script vacillates between knowing nothing can be taken seriously in this picture and actually trying to pass it off as art. As for the plot… there’s no plot. Eliot’s original poems were whimsical nonsense, and Tom Hooper’s film is just as nonsensical, and the attempt at whimsy is nauseating. There’s a hell of a lot of sexual energy, from the eyepopping cat physiques to the suggestive leers and just the very presence of Jason Derulo, which is inherently unsettling. Pretty much the entire runtime is one ‘cat’ after another introducing themselves, and then there are some frankly baffling technical filmmaking choices that skew the film further into joke territory. For example… the dancing cockroaches. If that phrase alone doesn’t scare you off, then perhaps Cats will be for you.

  This is basically The Room, the musical, with so-called cats

Because there must be someone out there who’ll enjoy this wild, weird and downright wacky film. But it won’t be for the visuals – the repulsive fur and the slapdash makeup and just jarring mise en scene throughout should come with a health warning. It won’t be for the acting, either – besides Hayward’s aforementioned attempt at being endearing, most of her castmates come off pretty badly here (what is Jason Derulo’s accent, and why does Judi Dench look… like that?).

The musical itself is obviously eccentric, but somehow translating it to the big screen – like this at least – has scraped away any whimsical charm or lovable weirdness and turned it into an abject mess. There’s certainly some grotesque joy to be derived from watching this unfold, but that’s about it.

This is basically The Room, the musical, with so-called cats. Hooper’s direction varies from the passable to the wildly inappropriate, the script is diabolical, and the look of the film is nothing short of nightmare-inducing. Hardcore musical fans might wish to see this, and it seems destined to become a cult guilty pleasure type vehicle, but other than that the only thing Cats is good for is ruining your Christmas spirit. Even a cat, with nine lives, probably shouldn’t waste one watching this. 


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