Another joke thread- There were these two..

I know there's an excellent ongoing jokes thread and a knock knock thread, but I haven't seen any of one of my favourite types of joke

E.G. There were these 2 snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?"

There were these 2 cows. One says to the other, "what do you think of this mad cow disease?"

"I don't know, I'm a chicken."

And the classic - There were these 2 nuns in a bath. One says to the other, "where's the soap?"

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it."

Any more?
 
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"

Two snowmen one turns to the other and says "can you smell carrots?"
 
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "someone's stolen your car!" Mick says "did you see who who did it?" paddy says "no, but I got the registration number!!"
 
I've got a great owl joke. But I can't use it till 2/8/20
 
Two Owls playing pool (and not very well at that), first Owl miscues his shot and hits no ball, so he says "Two hits" and the second Owl replies "Two hits to who?" :D

Sorry:)
 
I read a good travel book recently

Cycling through the Himalayas
By Rudyard Peddlin

I also read an excellent expose of corruption within the Russian olympic wrestling federation
By Ivan Kikabolocov
 
We're so skint after Christmas that I agreed to let my wife to sell one of her kidneys.
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports next
 
Nun in the bath when she hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" she asked

"Just the blind man" comes the reply

Thinking there can be no harm she bids him enter

On entering the the blind man says

"Do you want the pull cord on the left or right? Nice tits by the way"

Cheers,

Nigel
 
Where the hell did this thread get to lol, bunch of slackers.


Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.

I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your
mother. Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his Mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't
date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."
 
i got stopped by the traffic police last night the officer said have you been drinking sir? i said why was i driving erraticly? he replied no sir its the fat ugly bird in the passengers seat what made me suspiscious!!! :devil:

a monkey walks into a bar and ordered a pint and a packet of crisps,the barman was astounded that a monkey could talk the monkey told him ive been talking all my life anyway the monkey told the barman he was new to the area and was working there,the monkey and barman became good friends and the monkey would pop into the pub every day for a pint and a natter.
one day the circus rolls into town and the ringmaster goes into the pub and while chatting to the barman he is told of this talking monkey, he tells the barman to get the monkey to get in touch with him as he would pull the crowds in big time so when the monkey goes for his pint the barman asks him how is his and the monkey replies im ok but could do with earning some more money! the barman tell him there could be a job in the circus for him to which the monkey scratcheds his head and says what does a circus want with a bailiff.........................................:rotfl:
 
Have to admit I saw this told straight in the football section but thought it deserved a wider audience.

Manchester United's Danny Welbeck's dad is a bomb disposal officer. His name is Stan.
 
There were these two super-heroes:

Bruce Wayne & Clark Kent are relaxing over a beer. Bruce asks Clark "How was your day?"

CK: I'd rather not talk about it.
BW: Why's that?
CK: I was out flying this afternoon & as I went over a cornfield, I saw Wonder Woman naked in a crop circle.
BW: Wow, what was she doing?
CK: Just laying on her back with her legs apart.
BW: Wow, what did you do?
CK: I did what any other red blooded super-hero would have done. I unzipped & swooped straight down between her legs.
BW: That must have surprised her.
CK: It did - but not as much as the Invisible Man...
 
No way I'm posting mine, I would be SO infracted....No, never!! :D

I did type it out though but deleted it!
 
'The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.'

Mitch Hedberg
 
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
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In Dubai they don’t watch the Flintstones… but Abu Dhabi do!

:)
 
I got asked out by a blind woman - but I told her I was seeing someone...
 
Waiter: How did you find your steak sir?
Me: I just moved a chip and there it was.
:rotfl:
 
What do you call a Mexican who can't find his car?

Carlos
 
I went to a zoo the other day. It was rubbish, all they had was one dog in a cage

It was a S***zu
 
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