Autistic son

Somehow dust has got in my eye.
Getting a 2:2 under those conditions is very good and it sounds like the employer understands different people are useful in different ways - it's not charity, it is good business!
 
Wonderful news, great to hear
 
Somehow dust has got in my eye.
Getting a 2:2 under those conditions is very good and it sounds like the employer understands different people are useful in different ways - it's not charity, it is good business!

No you are right it isn’t charity at all. But until recently it would have been very difficult even getting an interview let alone passing on to the next stage.

But you are quite correct, autism brings a different way of thinking which can come up with ideas and solutions which would never have been thought of.

A few years ago the consulting company Accenture were one of the first to recognise this and actively recruited for those traits. Though I shudder when I think of putting someone with aspergers in a consulting role, it is what I have ended up doing quite by accident (and that I let myself be easily led) and it is not something I would recommend. I assume accenture were more thinking of devlopment projects back at the offices rather than client-facing roles.

Cheers,

Nigel
 
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An update on my son.

As a reminder he has aspergers and adhd diagnosed since the age of 4.

With a lot of support from me, my wife, the education system and child support services we got him through GCSEs with pretty good results and A levels with outstanding results.

He pretty much had his choice of universities, and picked Chemical Engineering and one if the top Russell Group universities for that subject.

We did worry about him wanting to go to a university that was 150 miles away but he was adamant and we gave in, thinking that he has got to become more independent and that is a fairly safe environment to do that. We called it totally wrong, we thought he would struggle with daily life but it was the academic elements that he struggled with. Not because he couldn’t do them but because he was so lazy and had cruised in the past. Okay many kids, especially boys are lazy but aspergers adds an extra dimension. Where most would be lazy, putting off work, maybe skipping lectures there would eventually come a point where they realised the mess they were in, panic and burn the candle at both ends to deliver - they would also learn from it, maybe not all at once but gradually. Not my son, he seemed to have no concept of consequences and would leave assignments, revision etc. to just hours before the deadline - the thing is, he did not learn and nor did we. Each year we would sit down with him and the department (who were excellent) devise a new plan and reset. And each year it was like groundhog day with resits every year. The infuriating thing is that he would sit the exam and get 4%. We would think that he simply did not comprehend the subject that it was beyond him, but then he would do the resit and get 79%. Looking back much if this was because the resit was over the summer break, he was at home so we would sit on him to do the revision. In the first couple of years we asked him whether he wanted to change subject, change university but he insisted that he wanted to press on. Now it is over he confesses that he hated Chemical Engineering, that it was just on the recommendation of one of his A Level teachers that he chose it, would have preferred Computer Science but didn’t have the courage to admit it.

So five years to do a three year course and each year a repeat of the last. At the end he finished with an ordinary degree, lower than a third. He’d actually done a lot better than that in the credits he had completed, but the main problem is that the university had asked him to step down from the final year group project because it was not fair on the others. This left him with insufficient credits to be awarded anything other than an ordinary degree. We raised this with the department and they agreed that it was unfair so they deferred the award and arranged for him to complete the individual part of the group project at home. Even getting him to do that has been extremely frustrating, again he simply could not see the consequences. But it is in now and if all goes well that will elevate his award to a 2:2 honours.

But since last June I have been so depressed. Of course we have been very supportive and encouraging to my son, but in my mind I’ve been thinking we are real world now, an ordinary degree is hardly better than nothing and most employers won’t even look at a 2:2. On top of that, with his aspergers he won’t interview well so I had little confidence that he would get a nice job and feared that he would end up in a harder environment where he would be bullied.

Now the good news.

Aspergers is very trendy at the moment - make the most of it. Organisations are falling over themselves to recognise aspergers and other mental illnesses with pressure to be inclusive and mentally aware.

We spotted that the Princes Trust were running engineering experiences for young adults not in education or work, not just those with mental illness but that was a big part of their intake. They are linking up with companies to provide one month experiences and because it earns them a ‘mental aware inclusive’ badge companies are falling over themselves to take part. My son got on one these experiences with a big local engineering company expressing an interest in software engineering. There were about 15 on the course and at the beginning (and to my surprise) the company said that at the end they hoped to offer employment to all of them - I thought my son must have misunderstood and didn’t dare to hope. But true to their word they offered employment to all, apprenticeships, funded university places and graduate placements. At first they offered my son a graduate apprenticeship, basically be paid £18k to do a degree whilst working and with all university fees paid. To be honest we were more than happy with this but later they realised he had a degree and changed the offer to a graduate placement on £28k.

He has been their two months now, has his own car, really likes it, doing software engineering which is what he really wanted from the outset and is doing well.

Writing this, I’ve just started crying uncontrollably, which beleive me, as I have aspergers myself I don’t do very often. But the relief is so immense, I was so scared and worried about what would happen to him.

So advice from experience - and bear in mind that everyone is different.

1 - if you are looking at universities make sure it is absolutely what they want to do and are not just doing it because someone told them to do it. Make absolutely sure that it is a subject that they really want to do.
2 - sort of conflicting with (1) but consider location very carefully. Balance their (and your) desire to be independent. Remember that you have supported them up to now and whatever they think they still need that support to a degree. I’d advise steering them towards a university close by so you can easily get to see them or they can come home at weekends if they want. Even consider getting them a car so they can live at home and commute to a local university - talk to the university and they will fall over themselves to provide free on-campus parking.
3 - for now at least, mental illness is very trendy and companies are falling over themsleves to prove their mental-aware credentials. Take advantage of that. If going for an interviews don’t hide that they have autism, at the moment it is a big plus on the CV because companies have a quota to fill
4 - look at organsiations like the Princes Trust - get on one of their schemes and that could be a shoe-in for an apprenticeship, a free degree or full employment

Cheers,

Nigel

Congratulations to your son for his achievement! And all the best for his life in the "real world" :)

He's lucky to have parents like you to keep him on the right track and give him the support he needs and deserves.

It's also nice to hear both sides - the ups and the downs.

We've got our meeting tomorrow with our son's SEN nursery head and the LEA SEN caseworker with regards to the application for his EHCP. He's already been offered a place in reception at the same primary school my daughter attends, but there's no way he'd cope there right now, as he's still pre-verbal, although communicative in his own way, and struggles to follow certain basic and most complex tasks and instructions. We have identified the particular SEN base we'd like him to go to so hopefully by June we'll get some good news on that front.

We're hopeful that in the right SEN environment, he'll thrive and be speaking and build his social skills as he seems bright in many ways - he knows his numbers up to 30 (forwards and backwards) and all the letters of the alphabet. He's also got good fine motor skills but can't yet hold a pencil or crayon properly. And physically, he seems fine.

We're also feeling fortunate that our LEA is pretty clued up and has a number of SEN schools and bases within mainstream schools and that the schools and LEA are happy for kids to move as their ability changes and develops.

Let's see what tomorrow brings... :)
 
as I have aspergers myself
Have you been recently diagnosed Nigel, because I don't think you have mentioned it before?
Edit: that's meant in a supportive way in case anyone is worrying ;)
 
Different people have different talents.
For example algorithm design where autistic people tend to do very well and I am a good test engineer because of various personality traits.
 
Have you been recently diagnosed Nigel, because I don't think you have mentioned it before?
Edit: that's meant in a supportive way in case anyone is worrying ;)

No I shouldn’t say that I have aspergers, it is self-diagnosis, and my wife agrees.

What I mean is that having spent nearly 20 years living with it and understanding it with my son, then looking at my father in the latter years of his life and thinking that he ticks a lot of the characteristics, and then looking at myself and thinking I exhibit a lot of the traits. Plus knowing that it is hereditary and is more prominent in males. So it is self diagnosis, there was no such thing as aspergers when I was growing up (well of course there was but rarely was it diagnosed) - I could go to the GP but I presume that they wouldn’t want to proceed as I have lived a good proportion of my life and managed reasonably well. But I am almost certain that if I were tested I would be diagnosed with aspergers.

Plus every time I have done online tests my AQ (Autism Spectrum Quotient) comes out pretty high, way above the threshold commonly cited as indicating "clinically significant levels of autistic traits"

Cheers,

Nigel
 
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Congratulations to your son for his achievement! And all the best for his life in the "real world" :)

He's lucky to have parents like you to keep him on the right track and give him the support he needs and deserves.

It's also nice to hear both sides - the ups and the downs.

We've got our meeting tomorrow with our son's SEN nursery head and the LEA SEN caseworker with regards to the application for his EHCP. He's already been offered a place in reception at the same primary school my daughter attends, but there's no way he'd cope there right now, as he's still pre-verbal, although communicative in his own way, and struggles to follow certain basic and most complex tasks and instructions. We have identified the particular SEN base we'd like him to go to so hopefully by June we'll get some good news on that front.

We're hopeful that in the right SEN environment, he'll thrive and be speaking and build his social skills as he seems bright in many ways - he knows his numbers up to 30 (forwards and backwards) and all the letters of the alphabet. He's also got good fine motor skills but can't yet hold a pencil or crayon properly. And physically, he seems fine.

We're also feeling fortunate that our LEA is pretty clued up and has a number of SEN schools and bases within mainstream schools and that the schools and LEA are happy for kids to move as their ability changes and develops.

Let's see what tomorrow brings... :)

Our Local Authority early intervention officer was outstanding in helping us with our Statement. She was an absolute battle axe constantly fighting our corner.

The process takes time but most of it is waiting I am afraid, This is where the good support network comes in as they can ease the burden somewhat as after each part of the assessment there appears to a period of nothing happening and it feels like you are always chasing, this is something both our SEN and LA officer was happy to chip in with.

We had identified a base within mainstream for my eldest daughter and was originally wanting her to go to this school for the reasons you stated. She was allocated to a specialist school focused on kids with social communication needs and autism. We where originally disheartened but before appealing we decided to visit the school and it really opened our eyes to the support our children can receive in the right environment, Although it won't happen for my daughters as they are both on the severe end of the spectrum other kids have thrived and developed at such a rate that they have been transitioned over to mainstream. What I am trying to say is depending on space you may not necessary get your first choice but this doesn't have to be a bad thing, I would advise to visit whatever school is suggested you may be surprised

cheers
 
Our Local Authority early intervention officer was outstanding in helping us with our Statement. She was an absolute battle axe constantly fighting our corner.

The process takes time but most of it is waiting I am afraid, This is where the good support network comes in as they can ease the burden somewhat as after each part of the assessment there appears to a period of nothing happening and it feels like you are always chasing, this is something both our SEN and LA officer was happy to chip in with.

We had identified a base within mainstream for my eldest daughter and was originally wanting her to go to this school for the reasons you stated. She was allocated to a specialist school focused on kids with social communication needs and autism. We where originally disheartened but before appealing we decided to visit the school and it really opened our eyes to the support our children can receive in the right environment, Although it won't happen for my daughters as they are both on the severe end of the spectrum other kids have thrived and developed at such a rate that they have been transitioned over to mainstream. What I am trying to say is depending on space you may not necessary get your first choice but this doesn't have to be a bad thing, I would advise to visit whatever school is suggested you may be surprised

cheers

Thanks for that!

I think we've visited 4 schools so far with a 5th to come week after next. So hopefully we've covered our options.
Of those 5, 2 won't take non-verbal or pre-verbal kids with ASD. So we've got at least 3 and the 2 of those 3 that we've seen are both lovely. From what we've heard, the 3rd one is as good (obviously we'll know for ourselves week after next).

What year is your eldest in now, if you don't mind me asking?
 
Thanks for that!

I think we've visited 4 schools so far with a 5th to come week after next. So hopefully we've covered our options.
Of those 5, 2 won't take non-verbal or pre-verbal kids with ASD. So we've got at least 3 and the 2 of those 3 that we've seen are both lovely. From what we've heard, the 3rd one is as good (obviously we'll know for ourselves week after next).

What year is your eldest in now, if you don't mind me asking?

It’s great that you have been and seen what’s available it’s amazing what some of these schools do even more so in the face of constant funding cuts from central goverment.


My eldest daughter is 8, She is in year 4 but they mix classes and she is mainly with year 3 kids. She also attends a special class dedicated to shine therapy. My other daughter attends the same school she is in year 3 but they had to also move her back a year as she was struggling, they wanted her to do the shine therapy but they where concerned of the effect if her being in the same class as her sister would have.

They where both non verbal when they started. Now My eldest is limited but can speak single words, most of which are not clear she is also more prone to frustration and aggression. My youngest is more emotional than aggressive but her speech is also severely impaired, she can speak clearly but she just repeats words without knowing or understanding exactly what they are she can count to 50 recognise alphabet, she can even look at flags and tell you what countries they are. This is all based on memory and YouTube rather than understanding (if that makes sense)

They have both progressed massively though and you can tell they both really enjoy it there

Cheers
 
With my son, getting the statement was only half the battle. We secured a statement with a significant amount of 1:1 support in primary and then in secondary school. It was almost full time, only 4 hours per week short. Primary school wasn’t too bad, and the school was able to provide the support my son was entitled to. But secondary school was a different matter. The special needs department was very grateful for my son because he came with a sack of money from the LEA. Many of the students in their care were not so fortunate. So we found that my son never received the 1:1 support he was entitled to. Instead the special needs department spread his funding around and as a result many of his lessons were unsupported. Of course we raised this, and the excuse was usually “we can’t get any support that will work Fridays or Mondays”. I suspect the reality was a mixture of the two, but bottom line was that my son generally received less than half the support he was entitled to. Annoyingly, the support he did get was in the less important subjects - I have some theories about this but ...

So two really tough hurdles

1 - getting a statement with a decent level of support
2 - actually getting the support that is entitled

Cheers,

Nigel
 
Well I’ve decided to go for diagnoses. I think (and those who know me think) I have Aspergers. I have done a few test etc and discussed this my gp but in truth, I am again having work issues and a large part is my difficulty around others. I am worried of job loss, struggling with relationships at work and anxiety all over- started to exercise to manage. So i will see oc health soon. Go from there.

Hope things getting better your end
 
Best of luck with it all Paul, always interested to hear how it goes.

I'm reluctant to persue it with the doctors as they are so insanely stretched, and it took something like 6 years before they diagnosed my son. I offered to pay privately as it was essential it got sorted before secondary school but was told any diagnosis obtained privately wouldn't be recognised by the education board and wouldn't lead to the support he needs.

Eventually he was midway through his first year before anything was confirmed. Pleased to say he's absolutely smashing it at school, top set (he's just completed his 2nd year) excellent grades and reports yet if one kid decides to press his buttons he can react very unpredictably.

I suppose a private diagnosis could work for me, as I'm not looking for any help, just want to understand myself a bit more.
 
Not posted for a while but had a harrowing experience earlier involving my youngest. She skulked off upstairs as I was sorting her sister out and didn't think anything of it, as we keep the bathroom and bedroom doors shut as a rule. Anyway I heard her having a whinge so went upstairs and noticed the bathroom door was open. I shot in and she was hanging fully out of the window and hanging on by her fingertips (one hand) I managed to dive over and grab her and pull her back in.
 
not good that mate

cheap and cheerful but we fitted a load of these https://www.screwfix.com/p/yale-door-security-bolts-white-pack-of-2/79858 around the house on the doors for rooms we wish to restrict access. This allows the girls to explore (we don't have them on there rooms). Windows remain locked in the rooms we allow access. We usually carry the key for them on a lanyard

we have also fitted nest cams

I have had a neighbour knock to tell me my daughter was standing on a window sill though :facepalm:


cheers
 
not good that mate

cheap and cheerful but we fitted a load of these https://www.screwfix.com/p/yale-door-security-bolts-white-pack-of-2/79858 around the house on the doors for rooms we wish to restrict access. This allows the girls to explore (we don't have them on there rooms). Windows remain locked in the rooms we allow access. We usually carry the key for them on a lanyard

we have also fitted nest cams

I have had a neighbour knock to tell me my daughter was standing on a window sill though :facepalm:


cheers

Funnily enough we were looking at locks and cams the other day.
 
Well I’ve decided to go for diagnoses. I think (and those who know me think) I have Aspergers. I have done a few test etc and discussed this my gp but in truth, I am again having work issues and a large part is my difficulty around others. I am worried of job loss, struggling with relationships at work and anxiety all over- started to exercise to manage. So i will see oc health soon. Go from there.

Hope things getting better your end

Would be interested how you get on. I too believe I have Aspergers, my son was diagnosed nearly 20 years ago, my father showed many of the behaviours, as do I, it is hereditary and 10x more prominent in males so I'm sure there is a very strong probability. I have done the online tests and come out with a very high score - but trouble with those tests is that you can come out with whatever score you want - but I always try to be honest.

Just over a year ago, I was put in a situation at work where the demand was for something that someone with autism would struggle with. At that point I admitted my suspicions to my line manager and that created a lot of positive and initially caring excitement and then HR asked "have you been officially diagnosed because it will be difficult for us to help if you haven't". Now I understand their stance, but whilst I haven't asked, I suspect my GP would be very reluctant to go down that route. The reason I say that is that I know how reluctant they are with children, but if you are an adult in the later stages of life, and in a better situation than most I imagine they would consider it a waste of time and money. I haven't ruled it out but not something I feel inclined to do either.

Cheers,

Nigel
 
Would be interested how you get on. I too believe I have Aspergers, my son was diagnosed nearly 20 years ago, my father showed many of the behaviours, as do I, it is hereditary and 10x more prominent in males so I'm sure there is a very strong probability. I have done the online tests and come out with a very high score - but trouble with those tests is that you can come out with whatever score you want - but I always try to be honest.

Just over a year ago, I was put in a situation at work where the demand was for something that someone with autism would struggle with. At that point I admitted my suspicions to my line manager and that created a lot of positive and initially caring excitement and then HR asked "have you been officially diagnosed because it will be difficult for us to help if you haven't". Now I understand their stance, but whilst I haven't asked, I suspect my GP would be very reluctant to go down that route. The reason I say that is that I know how reluctant they are with children, but if you are an adult in the later stages of life, and in a better situation than most I imagine they would consider it a waste of time and money. I haven't ruled it out but not something I feel inclined to do either.

Cheers,

Nigel


My gp will and I am at oc health Tuesday. Still massive career worry.
 
My gp will and I am at oc health Tuesday. Still massive career worry.

Best of luck. Have you been diagnosed yet. It’s nice that your GP is going along to support you at OC.

Where are you in your working life, early years, middle, towards the end. I’m 55 later this year so it doesn’t bother me so much, more than happy to take redundancy. But I can imagine if you have your whole career ahead of you it could be very worrying. I see that at work a lot, we have a big mental awareness drive at work at the moment, but it is quite apparent that the younger employees (especially males) are less likely to come forward and talk about their issues.

Cheers,

Nigel
 
I am 38. I work as a mental health nurse. I don’t feel the teem will like this news. It disparaging the way I hear some talk. However due to my mannerisms I am having issues. Always have where I keep moving jobs- I should have been a manager buy now but I leave as avoid issues
 
I am 38. I work as a mental health nurse. I don’t feel the teem will like this news. It disparaging the way I hear some talk. However due to my mannerisms I am having issues. Always have where I keep moving jobs- I should have been a manager buy now but I leave as avoid issues

I understand it can be very difficult. I see it at work, where younger people still trying to climb the career ladder are very cautious about opening up.

I’m in a very different position, near the end of my working life, and no desire to progress any further up the ladder. This makes it a lot easier for me to discuss my situation with colleagues and managers.

But for most it must be pretty daunting.

Cheers,

Nigel
 
I saw that, a good example at how to use the differences between people as strengths.
 
Thought I'd post an update. Both girls doing well and our youngest Grace got funding to attend school full-time so she's full time with her older sister (Katy) in the same class at the specialist school. Both still non verbal and Katy had an unsuccessful transition out of nappies so she's back in them again and school will try her again later this year. We are looking to move house but finances have put this on hold at the moment. It's still incredibly hard work like you all know. Grace is extremely hard to handle and has a hell of a temper. Katy is the polar opposite and quieter but they can't stand each other lol.
 

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